Growing up, were you a victim or a bully?

As a child, were you a bully or a victim? I remember in 4th grade, there was a boy who sat behind me and kept irritating me… touching my hair, and poking me… I tolerated this for a while and asked him to stop. Things didn’t change so naturally, I did what any 4th-grade kid would do. I complained to the teacher. “Ma’am, he keeps touching my hair!” I told her in the most victimised voice I could muster. The teacher told me to “go and give him one tight slap.” Are you surprised? This is how issues were handled back in the day in Haryana. Haven’t you seen Dangal? It’s based on my life.

That poor boy… just sat there, staring at me in shock. Looking back, he probably had a little crush… and I made sure to whoop it out of him. Like most children, even at a young age, I understood that a great way to be a bully was to act like a victim. Once you put yourself on a morally high pedestal, you give yourself permission to say and do whatever you want.

That poor boy… just sat there, staring at me in shock. Looking back, he probably had a little crush… and I made sure to whoop it out of him. Like most children, even at a young age, I understood that a great way to be a bully was to act like a victim. Once you put yourself on a morally high pedestal, you give yourself permission to say and do whatever you want.

A third-grade student of mine came up to me the other day, “Ms. Aarshi, this boy is saying that I am stupid.” This girl… was anything but stupid. She knows and sees more than an average kid her age, and I was surprised to see that despite her intelligence, she still felt threatened by a random remark. So naturally, I asked her, “Do you believe him?” She again tried to explain to me what happened and I again asked her, “Ok, but do you think he is right?” Unsure, she gently shook her head. What was she expecting? That I would scold the boy? Tell him, “How dare you call her stupid! This is unacceptable! Go sit in that corner by yourself!” What would that have done to the girl? Would she have forgiven him? This would have probably cemented her hatred of this boy.

“Inside every culprit, there is a victim crying for help,” Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. This victim consciousness is something we hold on to, even as adults. The Taliban believes it to be victimised by the Americans. They found their people, identities, cultures, and ideologies threatened. So they took a hard right. In India, Hindus feel victimised by Muslims and Muslims feel victimised by Hindus. But is this actually empowering? Or is it just increasing hatred and mistrust?

So are you a bully or a victim? In situations of conflict, ask yourself this question. What identity are you adopting? Is this identity helping you or making you more hateful? Is there a way to rise above and resolve the issue without feeling like a victim and acting like a bully? Of course, finding ways to deal with a difficult situation doesn't automatically make you a bully. And asking for help when you feel helpless does not make you a victim. There is no right answer on how to handle such situations. All we can do is introspect and find a way to break out of this cycle.

- Vachi Chhabria